The 11 Facts of Life

By Vyrtilomon

Fact of Life #11: Adding the word "bitch" at the end of any sentence automatically allows the speaker to gain complete control of the conversation, as well as giving him or her the right of authority and respect over any other participant in aforementioned conversation.

Ex. 1:
A (in a stern manner): You'd better hurry. The bus is leaving soon.
B: I'm coming, bitch.

Ex. 2:
A: I wish I could throw those words right back at you.
B (in an intimidating manner): Oh? I thought I heard something.
A: Did I stutter, bitch?

Fact of Life #10: If you draw Vyrtilomon a kitty she will willingly do any task given to her, be it reasonable or not. (But she'll do it more willingly if it's unreasonable).

Fact of Life #9: Taylor Swift II is awesome. And not just awesome. She's so awesome that the next person in line to be awesome isn't nearly good to enough to pretend that she's almost as awesome as Taylor Swift II.

Ex. 1:
T. S. II: I'm awesome.

Ex. 2:
Kitties rock.

"My name is Espio. I'm the brains behind this organization. I possess some killer spy moves. I'm smart, and quick on my feet, especially for a chameleon. I also happen to be a ninja."
Fact of Life #8: Espio is the coolest ninja chameleon in existence. But you already knew that.

Ex. 1:
This picture.

Fact of Life #7: The mere usage of the word "like" in a conversation will automatically be taken by other listeners as a synonym for the term "have a crush on".

Ex. 1:
A: So I was like, sure, I like her.
A: ...? I'm... talking about as a friend, B...

Ex. 2:
A: You know, I like C.
B: Really? :3
A: Yeah, s/he seems pretty cool. But I also like D and E. F makes me laugh a lot, so I guess I like her/him, too.
B: ... oh...

Fact of Life #6: If you're ever feeling ticked, just listen to Daniel Powter's song Bad Day. If it doesn't cheer you up, go for Firetruck!

Ex. 1:
'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around~

Ex. 2:
Stub your toe
Lose your cash
You're naked and your parents come home

Fact of Life #5: Even if you pick up every single shattered piece it's still just a broken cup. Basically, once something's lost it'll never come back (unless you have glue).

Fact of Life #4: If someone shoots at you while you're writing you'll be immune to the bullets.

Ex. 1:
A: (shoots B with pistol)
B: (continues writing)
A: (shoots B with rifle)
B: (continues writing)
A: (shoots B with machine gun)
B: (continues writing)
A: (throws grenade at B)
B: (continues writing)
A: D:
B: you just got pwned.

WARNING: Don't actually try this...please.

Fact of Life #3: Live your life as if you're already dead.

Ex. 1:
Doesn't that just sound so cool?

UPDATE: Fact of Life #3 (revised): Video games retain sanity.

Ex. 1:
M.K: Somehow you always manage to relate everything back to Pokémon...

Ex. 2:
K.H: I get it! This is some sort of obstacle in the game, and I can't get on to the next level without first completing the task given to me by this character. Additionally, if I succeed I should receive an item that will come in handy later on. Very well! Bestow upon me your challenge, commoner!
M.K: Why are you so stupid?

Fact of Life #2: Secs=sex=awkwardness.

Ex. 1:
A: Hey, B, do you have a sec?
B (annoyed): Sure, A, I have plenty of secs.
awkward moment
A: That... is an unfortunate slang term.

Ex. 2:
C: Hey, A! A! I have a question!
A: Yes, little child?
C: What does sex mean?
A: o_O... well this is awkward. I guess he is of an appropriate age by now, though...
twenty minutes of awkward explanations later
C: Oh, I get it now! Thanks, A, now I can finally understand what B meant!
A: Wait... you mean B told you about this?
C: Yup! I asked him to play with me, and he said "give me a couple of sex".
Acouple of... secs... fml

AND NOW, the much awaited for...FACT OF LIFE NUMBER ONE!!!!

Fact of Life #1: Sixth grade me rocked.

Ex. 1:
D.S: Hey, will you go out with me?
V.L: ...? Go out where?
D.S: ... I dunno. Anywhere.
awkward moment of silence and staring
V.LOhh.... I'd rather not.

Ex. 2:
F.B: Ack! Help! I'm stuck!
V.L: ...
walks away and leaves FuzzyBear dangling over a river